theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
