i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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