quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
