Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
