He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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