is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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