I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
