I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
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