I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
