It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
