you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
