he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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