Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
