I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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