Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
