Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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