Can i not drive my cunt home
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
