sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
