I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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