hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
