Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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