the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
