Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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