Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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