my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
