I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize