i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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