you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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