Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
