Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
