He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
