i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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