im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
