i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
