i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
