I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
