Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
