The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
