And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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