it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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