That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
