He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
