Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
