I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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