I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
