I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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