i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
