OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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