I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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