I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
