My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
