I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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