I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
