who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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