The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
