I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
