Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
