Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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