I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
