Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I want to fling myself into the sun
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
