I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
