she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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